I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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