I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
