I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
