Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
