I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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