He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
