Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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