i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
