But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
