you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You are a genius and a whore.
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