Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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