No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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