Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
