I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
