I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is this like a preordered booty call?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
