I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
