Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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