i think i have two assholes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
