I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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