Three words: puerto rican gang bang
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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