Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
