In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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