My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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