Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize