i don't like sucking hair
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
