i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
