If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
