Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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