I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
