i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
