The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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