I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Life is so much better after having sex.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
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There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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