My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
