He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
