Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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