And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
