I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
