I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
