then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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