My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
