what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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