Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
