is your mom at the bar?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
