it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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