I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
