Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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