That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
