i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
