life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
