i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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