and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
