She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
