how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
