period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
