Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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